A Letter to My Past
It has been awhile since you have been following me, shadowing me, and, sometimes even overlapping your wings with my present moment. For so many years, I have dragged you wherever I went; I have fed you precious moments of my life; I have quarreled with you to no avail, and I have been upset when you misjudged my actions. In all fairness, I tried to support you, to be on good terms with you, to cater to you and please you, but we have never really been on the same page. We both made face; we acted civil and courteous, but, come on, is that where we stand after all? Do we really love each other? Do we really care for each other?
I don’t think so.
I came here in the present moment, and I foolishly thought that we had solved our problems; we sorted out our misunderstandings, and we made peace with each other.
It just doesn’t look like that.
I wanted to close the door on you, for I realized that I was not able to pay attention to my actual partner: the present. But you insisted on leaving the door ajar, so I did! What a mistake that was. Any moment I was trying to leave you behind, you were sneaking behind my back, sometimes pinching me to distract me from “now,” other times ambushing me or confusing me. I didn’t know what to believe anymore; I didn’t know who I was, for you, my dear friend, were playing with my mind, and you were dragging me in your time.
My dear past, what did I do to you that you couldn’t let me go? How did I wrong you? And, if we are here, so angry with one another, how can we mend our bridges? Or can we even do that?
Let’s look for a minute at your agenda: You wanted me in Romania; you wanted me afraid, for I grew up in a communist regime; you wanted me to become a follower, for leaders were not welcomed; you wanted me poor, for scarcity was all I was exposed to; you wanted me sick, for medications or even human conditions with hot water and heat were monitored and controlled; you wanted me to starve, for food was rationed; you wanted me to blend in, for standing out was a crime; you wanted me in dim colors, for bright ones were nowhere to be found and not allowed; you wanted me in a uniform, for conformity our common ground; you wanted me limited in my beliefs so you could control my mind better; you wanted me to not believe in God, for the Communist Party was our father in heaven and on earth. You wanted me to be weak, so you could make me strong; you wanted me to spy and turn in my friends, for you said you were my only real adviser.
You think I still need you, but I do not.
My dear past, we had a run; good or bad, it is just a matter of interpretation!
But we are done. You have served me well; you have given me life and raised me, and for that I am thankful. But now, the time has come to say good-bye. The time has come to look each other in the eyes, really look and feel and, with no regrets, with no remorse, just say good-bye.
I truly thank you for all my mistakes; I thank you for all the cloudy days, for they made me appreciate the sunny ones when they came. I thank you for all my downs, for they made me stronger and more resilient. I thank you for all the crazy nights slept in fear, for now I know what it means to live in love. I thank you for all the pitch-black nights, for now I am thrilled with the bright days. I thank you for all my scarcity, for I would not know how to detect and be grateful for the present abundance.
I thank you for raising me with a kind soul, for that soul now gives you blessings and forgiveness while setting you free!
Good-bye, my dear past! I love you!